One to Many

When I was a teenager, I was a rebel. As far as I was concerned, my university professor dad spoke in lectures, and I didn’t want to be lectured to. So I didn’t listen to much of what he had to say. But one day, as I was planning for my freshman year in college, he gave me some advice that made so much sense, I listened to it, and I remember it to this day. He said, “It doesn’t matter what field you major in, so don’t worry too much about the choice. Once you’ve had the experience of going deep in one subject, you can do it in any subject.”

He was right about how learning works. And I’ve learned, since then, that love relationships work the same way. Once you’ve been in the deep waters of relationship with one person, you can go there with others.

This is a powerful principle, but it doesn’t get tested or proven much in today’s world. There are a number of popular ideas working against people even trying it. One is the whole idea of waiting for your soul mate, or for Mr. or Ms. Right. “When I find the right person, I’ll be able to love then.” So, people spend much or all of their lives in the shallows, waiting.

Another is the restrictive way people define fidelity. Many mates simply prohibit each other from befriending anyone else of the opposite sex. Some spouses are even jealous of their mate’s same-sex friends. With that kind of guillotine hanging over their heads, people tend to think of love as a one-time deal (or at least, one-at-a-time). So people may love one, but never go beyond one.

And then, on the other end of the spectrum, the idea of universal love has become very PC. Unfortunately, in common practice universal love is just a general feeling of good will and non-reactivity toward lots of people you don’t personally know or care about. But there is little depth to it. No challenge, no stretching, no nurturing, no deep understanding, no personal sharing, no risk. So, there’s a real limit on how much universal love really nurtures for anyone, or strengthens anyone. And on how well it prepares anyone for a deep personal relationship.

Love is something you learn by doing. As my friend and teacher, David Truman, says, “Jumping into love is like jumping off a high diving board: there’s no way to get ready for it. You've got to jump, and now is the best time.” That’s how he learned to love. After spending years meditating and living the life of a yogi, he decided to face the music of intimacy. He resolved that no matter what happened in his relationships, he would not retreat. He would face it and deal with it until it was fully unraveled. And that’s what he did. In the process, he confronted and defeated all his inner demons that wanted to avoid love, and he created a beautiful understanding and bond with first one person, and then others. That, actually, was how the group that is now called the Living Love Fellowship was formed.

By the time I was ready to dig in to love, myself, two of my friends — David Truman and Francine James — had already traveled that path. With the help of their committed love and friendship, I too braved and lived through the emotional whitewater with another human being; I learned to commit, to hang in there, to do what it takes to come out the other side together, closer. And long before I was anywhere near perfect at relating (I’m still far from perfect!), I extended my love to others as well. Over and over, I practiced throwing my hat into the ring, confessing my feelings, listening to what was spoken and not, being sensitive, letting go of my agendas and preferences, back-pedaling when I put my foot in it, reducing the psychic distance between myself and others, receiving feedback gracefully, giving feedback compassionately, facing flaws, suspending judgment, recognizing and fixing misunderstandings, healing the wounds I inflicted, taking heat, giving comfort. Gradually I learned to surrender to doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t. 

The hardest time was the first. Now I can extend my friendship to another and know the check won’t bounce. It’s a great feeling to have that confidence. And it’s a great pleasure to hold a human heart, up close and personal. I highly recommend it.



Competence in relationship is the pearl of great price. It takes years of investment to acquire, but you can support the whole world with it forever after that.

If you want to consider this subject more deeply, I highly recommend that you read David's post "Agape, Personal Love, and World Healing" and the inspiring and helpful article "How to Buy Happiness... by Being 100% Committed."